“Trouble In Paradise”

Hather Wagdon Flurry, 1996

Dead dreams mixed with crushed hopes on canvas

In his mind, he’s flying up Highway 1 in a candy apple red ‘56 corvette. The wind is in his hair, Viagra in his pocket and a hot little blonde bimbo at his side… No, he’s not… He’s actually just going into the other room to watch the football game in his recliner with a cold beer and a plate of nachos. My God! Is she still bitching? No problem, he’s got earphones.

K.L.

“The Importance of Reliable Data”

Langston Hoomall, 2002

Acrylic on canvas

Langston Hoomall has become widely known in the science community for creating paintings that capture the spirit of groundbreaking moments in research. Here he portrays the moment Dr. Claudette Debussy Crammers is about to record the 250,000th measurement and final data point for her paper entitled “Great Erections of the 21stCentury.” Although blindfolds are worn to reduce any embarrassment that may affect the accuracy of the measurement taken, the patient understandably seems somewhat hesitant as he leans away from the researcher and begins to suck his thumb. As a research aide, D.H. Laurence’s “Lady Chatterley’s Lover,” stands open on the table, pages turned to the part where Connie watches Mellors lathering himself outside of his hut. The accomplished Hoomall has portrayed Dr. Crammer’s steadfast confidence in the face of a possibly eruptive situation. Such are the vicissitudes of all serious scientific investigative handwork.

K.L.

“Placenta Rorschach”

Celia Octothorpe, 1968

Compressed bovine placenta on Vexaline chromatographic paper

Ms. Octothorpe was a pioneer in the late 60’s wildly popular school of mammalian placental prints. Many independently minded destitute print makers were drawn to her unconventionally visceral method as their psychological interpretations rescued them from the edge of despair and starvation. It was during this time that platters of baked placenta, placenta Bolognese, and placenta cold cuts were offered on countless art openings’ hors d’oeuvres table. Thru a brief window in time we witnessed the leading role that creativity played in bringing together, art, mental health and kitchen magic!

K.L.

“Running In the Family”

Joe Funkle, 2012

Oil on canvas

Bleeding blue blood from a recent tracheotomy, a frazzled runner dad dreams of palm trees as he escapes into the nighttime forest while his Modigliani momma and bearded baby look after him with focused concern. Are those giant, ravenous lawn worms writhing their way toward his forsaken family? The mummy bundle in the bottom of the stroller couldserve as sacrificial bait for the worms while they make their escape.

K.L.

“The Origin of Pyramids”

Richard Pain, 1987

Myxolydian hotmelt applied to exuvian gledded canvas

The consummate seascape artist Dick Pain depicts an arcane epoch when Egyptian pyramids were born from lavender waves. According to Pain, this was a time when the Almighty, accompanied by the music of Philip Glass on a worldwide intercom system, delivered a sermon every night at sundown. Pain portrays an attentive audience; all elements are frozen with exquisite focus on the holy issuance from masterfully painted God rays. Notice there are no people around. Our ancient ancestors hadn’t crawled out of the sea yet. That’s why it looks so peaceful.

K.L.

“Gastric Disturbance”

Hope Stephens, 2003

Finger-paint and fingers on foam core

In this vivid yet muddied work, Stephens stated that she wanted to make visible the terrible yet geometric discomfort of gastro-esophageal reflux, with red rectangles of pain fragmenting, seemingly multiplying, across the brownish mucosal plains. The rivers of indigo and emerald represent the longing tor relief, but succor is denied by walls of pigment. Stephens also stated that she intended to paint an entire series in Pepto-Bismol and one in Mylanta; however, those works have been lost, if they were ever completed. Stephens was a somewhat unreliable commentator on her work and much else; she was adamant that her name always be pronounced “Step-hens,” and insisted that it derived from a medieval ancestor fixated on poultry crushing.

Tiffany Harker, Artistologist

“Snugglin’”

Sally Farnsworth, 2015

It is a well-known fact that women’s arms are, on average, 15% longer than men’s arms. This phenomenon is known as Feminine Brachium Longus (FBL). The prevailing theory for this sex-based adaptation was that women needed long arms for gathering food in the pre-agrarian era. Recently, scientists have studied FBL in earnest, and have discovered that women may have longer arms for enhanced intimacy-based grasping, more commonly known as snugglin’. The artist portrays a fantasy world in which all of the subjects have extreme FBL. One woman runs in full hug-pose towards a dog. Another woman’s arms extend past her knees. What would it be like to live in a world where everyone was capable of extreme snugglin’? Farnsworth allows us entry into this wonderful world.

Tiffany Harker, Artistologist

“Frankie no. 4 (Postman’s Tyranny)”

Sharon Clarke-Barr

Oil on canvas, moisture from wet nose

The inner life of animals captivated Sharon Clarke-Barr, born in 1954 in Shopwick-upon-Hardcheese, England. She painted numerous depictions of four-legged creatures reacting to everyday occurrences, the most famous probably being her series on turtles watching people have sex (the turtles were mostly confused, but not uninterested). This piece catches the titular family pet in a moment of tremendous crisis: the postman has walked up the steps and is approaching the house with obviously evil intentions. The dog’s pupils are greatly dilated, as if to say, “Go away, Postman. I just came back from the eye doctor and I have to lie down.”

Spencer Bainbridge, Art Historialogian

“Somebody’s Daughters”

Grace Clutter, 2006

Smeared nonsense on a waste of perfectly good canvas

After a day of brushing hair, staring at themselves in the mirror and drinking deep from cups of insipid vanity, these little girls are eager to move on to an afternoon of vicious gossip about the new girl in class and planning how to bully their 3rdgrade teacher. The girl’s dead eyes and wooden smile indicate a larval avaricious social climber driven by a dangerously dysfunctional amygdala.

K.L.

“Mommy Dearest”

Isabella Longwing, 2001

Acrylic on canvas board

With courageous hindsight the artist and actress Longwing invites us to share an early childhood memory from a life of bitter acrimony for her brassy stage mother. She depicts herself gripped by a powerful reoccurring hallucination causing her to freeze in terror as brobdingnagian wacker-smackers threaten to slice and dice her mid-performance. She cries out to her mommy for deliverance that never comes…the aberrant parent is errant.

K.L.

“Saturn’s Cold Sun”

Tarpetina Dunker, 1978

Trimagnasite intridium mixed with intumescent soft chars on graphite sheet

Having escaped from the Z Stat - her anti static valved holding chamber - our heroine Tarpetina Dunker, runs toward the exploding batholiths guided by a powerful gravimetric pull. With pockets full of kaons meant to fuel the closely guarded antikytherian mechanism, she knows she may be headed for a superior dialectic breakdown, but the desire to escape the jerk water town of her test tube birth designed for only subpar natal clefts leaves her no alternative. Self-indulgently she thinks, “a deep anodyne insertion into my Rathke’s Pouch would be good right now, but I’m pretty sure it’s past closing time.”

K.L.

“Garbage in, Garbage Out”

Grace Nimchuck, 2001

Prefrontal cortex desultory dump on flypaper

When viewing this piece we must not confuse complexity with just plain confusion. Initially, our hopes were high when viewing a somewhat well painted sunset - albeit hidden behind a sinister alien like growth. But then, like a solidly whacked pin ball, our eyes ricocheted down the canvas, zooming past one disconnected element after another - a drowning guitar, an eyeball with rebar inside of it, and a dark eyed screaming simian. Finally, bored beyond caring, we land in front of Mr. Creepy Beatnik, looking like an actor in a David Lynch movie and playing pocket pool as he invites us to go behind the purple curtain, and down a road that, unsurprisingly, dead ends at a brick wall.

K.L.

“A Bovine’s Dream”

A. Churchill, 1999

Oil on canvas

This artist was named “The Bovinator” in his early days and we can certainly see why as we gaze upon this work by Billy “Biff” Bovinski (aka A. Churchill.) The “Bovine Dream” is the best of an oeuvre which focused on drawing, painting, and sculpting cows, bulls and steers. Several features of this work must be noted - the bull’s absolutely straight back exemplifies Biff’s affection for linear delineations; the elongated torso terminating in a pendulous bosom that competes for attention with the less pronounced male genitalia and the tiny house in the background. Art analysts concur that the “Bovine’s Dream” was to live in the master’s house with him, but not as a pair of boots, belt or leather jerkin. Always attempting to make his art available to the masses, at the time of his demise the artist was attempting to turn this painting into a jigsaw puzzle, as confirmed by the irregular shapes on the work’s surface.

Mike Jones

“Equation For Love”

Reginald Wickster PhD, 1989

Angry bile mixed with years of bitter regret and nasty cynicism thickened with dry chalk dust

Advanced Math Professor Wickster attempts to express his mortification in this painting. He has portrayed an office hour appointment gone awry - as his lecture on the philosophical implications of the Banach-Tarski paradox has failed to act as an aphrodisiac. His intended paramour rejects his attentions with a gesture of impatient dismissal; and although his bearing is proud, it cannot disguise the forlorn little structure that hangs diminished and ignored. Wickster has carefully chosen the fecal brown background to describe just how shitty he felt about the whole situation.

K.L.

“Getting Clean in the Mountains

Epsilon Chi Nu, 1989

Oil on canvas board

An alpine laundromat overflows with soap bubbles.

K.L.

“Not a Brazilian”

Blandina Breakloose, 2016

Acrylic paint and melted Licorice Scotties on canvas

While some shit-faced revelers were busy Xeroxing their bare asses at the office Christmas party, the artist Breakloose stretched the creative envelope a bit further when she used her own venus mound and melted licorice Scotties to create what may be the very first pubic prints. In her office, she stenciled the wall borders, window trim and a large storage closet that she playfully dubbed the “Pussy Nook.” Then, moving down the hallway and into the elevator, she was finally stopped by the CEO who, politely relieving her of her paint bucket continued his own version of the performance art out of the elevator, thru the lobby and onto the sidewalk. For the next 24 hours a flash mob of thousands could be seen throughout the neighborhood, blotting, thrusting and printing on every available surface. This one unpretentious piece is all that remains of that brief, but brilliant moment in the contemporary art scene.

K.L.

“Jackie”

Pedro Julian Chavez, 1947

Oil on canvas

When we think of Jacqueline Kennedy (If we ever think of her) we may picture her as the glamorously soft-spoken first lady of the U.S., elegant and well bred, or lounging, tan and self-assured, on a Mediterranean yacht with her billionaire husband. Most of us don’t realize, that in the summer between finishing school and Vassar College, Jackie joined an Upper West Side gang. The artist Chavez, himself a gang member, has portrayed her standing stylishly defiantly, exuding self-confidence while throwing up a gang sign for a cigarette. He remembers her as a quick study at the fundamentals of knife throwing and dancing on fire escapes, but she alienated other girls by insisting they wear pillbox hats.

K.L.